When you don’t love yourself, you cannot love anyone else, without needing them to continuously fill you up. ThIs puts a terrible pressure on the other person and leaves you feeling like you are dependent on them for your happiness and well-being.
A lack of self love can stem from many things such as childhood trauma, or an experience that happened at any time in your life, that left you feeling at risk, in severe pain, not in control and unable to have your needs met mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
When we go through a bad time, we are left with the scars and we develop ways to ensure that we don’t experience such a thing again.
In other words we develop strategies and belief systems that support any further trauma but also prevent us from living fully.
We become fearful and it’s no surprise.
We may also begin to develop thought’s words and actions that create in us self/sabotage. We believe we are not worthy of good things happening to us, so when they do we stop them in their tracks. We run away and hide, we step down from prospects to develop and grow. We believe that in the unknown lies the greatest risk of experiencing bad things.
So we stay in a place of the known, in routine and comfort, but after a while we become unhappy there. We become bored and restless and look to things and others to fulfill us. To take away the unease that grows inside us, as we continuously reinforce our sense of worthlessness.
And soon it seems like there is nowhere to go, only further into the black hole of despair.
Self love has been bandied around so much these past few years that it seems like without it we cannot succeed and this is sadly the truth. And with so many people suffering with it, it really is time we stopped and found the answers.
So where do we start? And may I just say it is never too late to start.
I believe we start with our self-care, our nurturing of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. We need to reconnect with ourselves and to reinstate our identity and learn to embrace our individuality. Without fear of rejection or fitting in.
For people that have practised self-neglect and feel a lack of self love this can be a struggle they may feel they cannot overcome or be consistent in, but the only true way through is to begin the process, have daily practices and be disciplined in their approach. After a time, the self-nurturing practices begin to install a more positive belief system about oneself. As you begin to feel good about yourself on all levels, the drive to continue on this new path increases and you start to desire feeling good as opposed to feeling worthy of nothing else.
In self-love, you become more optimistic, you experience happiness through your own actions and not through external resources. Your life experience starts to change as you start seeing real tangible results and you become empowered to do more and be more.
Through an early childhood trauma, I was left with a serious lack of self-love. I didn’t feel worthy of people loving me, I saw rejection at every corner and believed most of the time I was a lost cause. In young adulthood I used alcohol and drugs as a way to escape the gnawing anxiety that I would never be enough. So I hid, I stayed close to home, I stayed in relationships that weren’t right for me, just so I didn’t have to face what was really going on. But the place I was in only reflected my internal feelings about myself and it was soul destroying.
After living in this place for over 30 years I decided to search for answers as to how I could escape the fear, the doubts, the pain, the addictions and the increasing loss of loving myself and losing others. I couldn’t live this way anymore.
So I read and I studied and I watched every bit of material I could get my hands on. I trained to be a counsellor and then a life coach. I learnt about meditation and mindfulness and I finally started the journey back to me, the person I was before the trauma. I was becoming whole again and I liked it.
My work took on a life of its own, I began to take risks, to not rely on others, I started to succeed in happiness, in love and in my work. The world was becoming lighter and happier and I was beginning to like it and me.
And although I am still working on myself, I have now come to a place where I am helping others. Coaching and developing practices and programs. I am also in a place of gratitude for the trauma I experienced, as it led me to work in the most rewarding work there could be.
If you are tired of feeling self-loathing and a lack of self-love and feel that there is no way out, I promise you there is.
And you can begin your way back to you at any time.
If you would like to take those steps, why not contact me and book a free 30 minute consultation
Much love as always