Why we lose our ability to love ourselves

As children we are like sponges, we soak up the negative and the positive.

In order to grow and be stable emotionally and mentally, to be healthy, physically we need to be nurtured and encouraged, but this type of environment is not always available to all of us and the consequences can be devastating.

Whilst most of us know that no parents or caregivers are perfect, we still expect them to be, we ideally need them to be. But they just aren’t.


When we suffer neglect, abuse or abandonment in any shape or form and on any level, we perceive it to be our fault. As children we have not lived long enough to make sense of a situation and rationalize it, we are so sensitive that we can only turn to the belief that if we are not loved and nurtured in the right way, then it must be our fault.

As soon as we take on the responsibility for the pain that has been inflicted on us, we begin to believe there must be something wrong with us and this is further impacted by observing others  that are receiving the love and nurturing.

So we begin to reject our true self, disconnect from our authenticity and begin to lose our true identity as we search for clues of what the person we so want love from, needs from us. We speak differently and behave differently, we focus on what the other person needs and we further disconnect from ourselves.

As we take on the negative beliefs about ourselves, that the other person we believe has about us, we lose our ability to love ourselves and this increases over time, as we perceive every failure in life represents our worthiness.

Every time we blame ourselves, we abandon ourselves further and this makes it harder to practice self-love consistently.

So what is the solution to re-connecting to the person we really are?

I believe that awareness of the real story and what really happened is key always, to accept that you were not to blame for not being loved in the way you needed to be. And then to begin creating a new story, step by step with consistent acts of self-love, which can be challenging when your underlying feeling is that you are not worthy of it. So you have to love yourself as a discipline until you begin to feel it.

And it takes time and on those days when you struggle it will be hard and it may seem like it’s all up hill, but I want you to know this.

You don’t have to do it all at once. That life isn’t about having the job or the car or the stuff, gaining that stuff is small work compared to developing love for yourself, healing from the past, overcoming the obstacles and becoming the best person you can be.

And as someone who has walked the road and been on the journey, I would just like to say ‘’I believe in you, you can do this, take the time you need, but don’t give up.’’

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‘’I love you.’’

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